How To Be an Enchanting Spouse, Partner or Friend Excerpt from the book: Type Talk The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, Love, and Work By: Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen ESTP Most Unpredictable Settle Down – You love excitement, surprise and variety, but that is not always comforting for a mate. Give more attention to “settling” events. Once in a while, be on time, hang around when things are boring, show respect for family traditions by doing things just the way they were done before ESFP Most Generous Stay on Track – You are very good at meeting the needs of many people at once, but that means that you may be sidetracked in so many directions you don’t meet the “routine” needs of your mate. An example is the parent who agrees at the last minute to take one kid to little league at 6 and another to the gym at 7, while their mate is at home waiting for dinner that was scheduled for 6. ISTP Most Skillful with Tools Be Impractical – Lots of exciting ideas for expressing affection pass through your mind, like building your spouse a coffee table, or entering “I Love You” into their [phone]. But you put the ideas down as being impractical or stupid or flighty. Don’t argue with yourself, go ahead and act on your affectionate impulses sometimes. ISFP Most Artistic Use Words – You think words are cheap and would rather express your affection in more tangible ways, like baking muffins (nothin’ says lovin’ like somthin’ from the oven), or bringing home a huge bouquet. But once in a while use the written or spoken word. Stick a note in the muffin or on the flowers that says “I love you, dummy.” ESTJ Most Hard-Charging Don’t Take it Back – You like to show affection in a “macho” way, the slap on the back is a classic example or saying something abrasive like “You’re all right for a _____.” Try not to give affection with one hand and take it back with the other; just come out and say, “I love you.” ESFJ Most Harmonizing Show Anger – Your desire to mother/smother means you may sweep problems under the carpet rather than face them. You reach too soon for the chicken soup; the world is not going to come to an end if you show anger. Don’t be afraid to fight. ISTJ Most Strong and Silent Praise Good Behavior – You tend not to praise good behavior because it’s expected. But you should train yourself to add overt pats on the head and words of appreciation, for big or small things, to your list of things to do. And make it a rule to say, “I love you” at least once a week. It’s part of your duty toward your spouse. ISFJ Most Loyal Be More Assertive – Your mate would probably like to tell you “I appreciate 20 years of loyalty, but I wish you’d get mad once in a while.” Getting angry with you is like eating cotton candy; you bite into it and it disappears. That’s not constructive for anyone. Try to be more assertive and less committed to duty at any price. ENTJ Most Commandeering Share Your Softness – You have the same temptations as the ESTJ, to give affection with one hand and take it back with the other, but you do it through sarcasm, rather than macho remarks. Try to share your softness by itself, without caustic wit. ENTP Most Inventive Just DO It! – You see that details in the house need attending to, but instead of doing them, you try to design a system that will attend to them. Then when your spouse confronts you with the unfinished work, you get one-upy and won’t give in and do it. For the good of the marriage, don’t worry about beating the system. Just do what needs to be done- rights away. INTJ Most Independent Give a Hand – You’re very independent, but don’t ask for the same thing from your mate. Give them support and assistance. Don’t let them sink three times to learn how to swim. INTP Most Logical Speak from the Heart – When you try to use your Thinking to express your love, the meaning can get lost in translation. Share the fact that you feel love, not only understand it. ENFJ Most Persuasive Allow Disagreement – You usually assume that your mate is in complete agreement, and then when they raise a few normal questions, you can over personalize it and get very hurt. Allow your mate some room to disagree. ENFP Most Optimistic Face Today’s Problems – Rather than face a disagreeable part of the marriage, you’ll seduce yourself and your spouse into a happier place. Don’t escape so quickly into your imagination or the future. Try to solve your present problems. INFJ Most Empathic Show That You Know – You’re very aware of people’s feelings; you seldom need an explanation of interpersonal dynamics, but you don’t always do something about them. You know very well that your mate needs a stroke or an “I love you,” but it’s not your day to give strokes so you clam up. Push yourself to give when your mate needs it, not only when you feel “inspired.” INFP Most Non-Directive Offer Advice – You have a great gift for helping people understand their feelings and feel better about themselves, but you have no confidence that you’re being of any help. Don’t be so tentative in offering advice, consolation and appreciation to your mate. Kroeger, O., & Thuesen, J. M. (1998). Type talk: the 16 personality types that determine how we live, love, and work. (pp. 152-154) New York: Dell Trade Paperbacks.
